she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
