I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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