i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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