that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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