Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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