I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
