Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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