My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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