I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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