I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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