So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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