Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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