I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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