i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
