I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
