omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
