New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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