My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
