Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
True strength comes from lack of pants
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
