I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
