i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
