OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
