you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
