I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
