On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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