Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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