where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
