I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
