They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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