Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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