the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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