you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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