a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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