you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
