I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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