My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
