If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
