Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
