I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
