and next time when you feel me up, do it right
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
