Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
