Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Randomize
