oh god the rape fog is back!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Your cock deserves a montage
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
