wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
