Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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