I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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