i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
operation harelip BJ is a go
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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