I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
