I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
