you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
