i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
