Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
