i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We are all done wearing pants today
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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